The Scottish Trump

In the aftermath of Scotland's controversial secession from the UK, the left have been thrown into disarray. The anti-immigrant preachings of the SNP leader, Nick Trumpeon, have led to much animosity from the moderate left. "Why are the mountains there," says Trumpeon, "if we are to allow for English immigration? Or even for fraternal relations with the Englishmen? All of this must be stopped immediately." To the incredulity of many, this was met by widespread cheers and hooting, as well as a bunch of skinheads leaping around in joy. Trumpeon continues, "After all, what is Scotland but a load of mountains, eh? Let us unite behind hope, change, and a free Scotland!" Apart from a few jeers from onlookers, calling him things like 'twat' and 'Scottish sh*t,' this is met with a positive reception from the audience. Surprisingly, the usual accusations of 'fascism' and divisiveness do not seem to matter to this audience.

The SNP's triumphant accession has been accompanied, to be clear, with occasional efforts at bipartisanship. For instance, Trumpeon once stated, "So this Jeremy Corbyn bloke stands against the rigged economic system? Well, we stand against the rigged economic system, and immigration!" The audience met this with a brief pause for consideration, and then an almost genteel applause. He followed with, "Well, them Tories though. They're trying to dismantle the NHS? Well, we want to dismantle the NHS, and immigration!" After himself pausing, he continued, "Actually let's dismantle the United Kingdom!"

Nonetheless, these attempts have often been met with summary rebuke, and he retains a reputation for divisiveness. Even many who were in favour of Scottish independence have turned against his Party. Trumpeon's response, "They claim to be in favour of Scotland, but they ain't, they just like it 'cause it sounds like 'school' and they're nerdy teacher's pets," was generally found decisive. The victory of the Scottish cause followed after, and was met by widespread celebration in Scotland. When asked what an independent Scotland would be like, he said, "Well not that different. Nationalist Scotland will be precisely what you'd expect." With that kind of re-assurance from the ruling Scottish Party, Britons can probably rest assured that Scotland despite the controversy will not be a major centre of furore.